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We have a client who in the first five minutes of meeting us proclaimed “I’m a 48 year old teacher, I want to be engaged within 6 months, and married and pregnant within a year, and by the way I have endometriosis.” Pregnancy is of course out of our control, but she laid down the gauntlet and Susan and I love a good challenge. She listed quite a tall order of qualifications for her appropriate mate…perhaps why she had an extended “bachelorette” stage of life.

He had to have a high income, live in a certain part of town, preferably have or rent a vacation house, drive a certain car, have gone to an ivy-league college and have the “right” friends. In addition she was shall we say a bit, rubinesque, (heavy)…not every man in our culture’s idea of sexy (sad but true). Whew, we had our work cut out for us!

We introduced her to bachelor number one, a 47-year-old marketing executive, who actually met a lot of her criteria “on paper”. Ok, no sparks flew on either end, so that was that. Bachelor number two, a 49-year-old banker was a closer match on her end, but he didn’t find himself physically attracted to her.

On to bachelor number three, a civil rights attorney. He called us the day after the first date, he was absolutely smitten with her…her quick-witted remarks about pretty much everything, her sophistication, her volunteer work with kids, her confidence yet self-deprecation, and her voluptuous (ok she was overweight) body.

They continued to date and he told us he felt good about himself when he was with her and….what words did he use to express how he felt? she was…”easy”, “comfortable”, “funny”, “lighthearted”, “smart”, “soft”. She was intellectually stimulating and yet simply pleasant just to hang-out with.

After dating 4 months or so he told us they were very serious and he was thinking of asking her to marry him. They had met each others families and the feeling was mutual…this was a good one. We couldn’t have been more thrilled!! We are such talented matchmakers!! Yea for Susan and Jennifer!

Whoa Nellie, not so fast. She called to tell us that she didn’t consider them serious at all and in fact she had many reservations about him and his career. “I’m not sure his job is senior enough at the law firm, he’s not a partner yet, and I don’t know, he owns his place, but it’s a little small, and I wish he was taller, and had a bit more “bravado”. …What??

But he adores you! And is willing to try to have a child with a 48 year old woman! (sorry, the reality is men who want children can go younger whether it’s fair or not).

We needed to take some drastic measures! What to do?? I tried to explain that we all need to compromise to be married, yadda, yadda, yadda…everyone is human and is going to have some things we don’t like etc and so forth, it was like talking to a brick wall.

She cut me off by saying “I’ve compromised many, many times. I compromised on a man who cheated on me, I accepted another man who lied to me, I lived with a man who despite attending an ivy-league school, lost all his money gambling.” If anyone can compromise, it’s me!! In an almost whisper I said: “but ask yourself, did I compromise on the wrong things for the wrong people?...how about this time compromising on the right things for the right person?”

It wasn’t until we spelled it out on paper by taking her through “Commitment Number One” of “The Ten Commitments of Dating” in which you clearly outline in the “bull’s eye exercise” your needs and values vs. your wants. (you can do the “bull’s eye exercise” too; see the “Ten Commitments” page)

Once she actually saw it spelled out before her on paper, it became very clear that this guy shares her values of family, hard work, ambition, kindness…not to mention, and he adores her. Who cares how big his apartment is! Who cares if he’s not a law partner! It was just the clear wake-up call she needed.

It was around Thanksgiving time and we agreed that she would view him through this “new prism” from now until the New Year, and then we would re-assess. She certainly thought about it because they were engaged on New Years Day, married that spring and now considering surrogate pregnancy and building a family…together.