Here's a mantra for women to tape to the bathroom mirror: You are what you think. We’ve all done it: You’re on a date and the little voice inside your head ticks off a mental checklist. During the conversation, you’re wondering, am I really attracted to him? Does he make enough money? Would my mother like him? You think you’re covered because he can’t read your mind, right?
But if your head is filled with mercenary questions (why is he still single? what's wrong with him? what was his relationship with his mother? what really happened with his ex-wife? how much does he make? what kind of car does he drive? will he be able to afford my kind of vacation? will my folks like him?), you’re going to project the anxiety and mistrust. Vocal inflections and body language still betray those emotions more often than not. Your date is going to sense your ‘self-speak,’ and he’s going to resent being sized up in the middle of a date.
Don't put every man under the microscope immediately. It’ll show them how to avoid analyzing what their friends will think, where he’ll be in five years, or whether they can see him as the father of their children.
This is (rightly) terrifying to most guys. But more importantly, it distracts women from the important issues, such as whether a man is caring, ethical, trustworthy and kind. Those traits will become clear over time, not through an interrogation.
In an era when women can watch Sex and the City reruns, remember that in real life, the best men are complex, vulnerable and worth taking the time to understand as human beings, rather than simply as the targets of a hunt.
Getting Started
Step One—Resist the urge to rattle off a First Date FAQ—the top ten most frequently asked questions, like “So, what do you do?” Jettison that one first!
Step Two—Arrive at the date with more interesting and thoughtful ways to find out what he does; you still want to know, of course, so be ready (for example) to tell him that you like working from home occasionally, and you wonder if he’s ever tried it?
Commitment #9 Exercise
Think of a time that you met someone new whom you found utterly fascinating. It could be a friend of a friend, another guest at a party, or the person seated next to you on an airplane. Consider carefully what it was it that made the encounter so enjoyable. Write down as many of the traits as you can remember. Was it the other’s person’s demeanor? Or their expertise in a subject and the way they discussed it? Was it their sense of humor, or their ease among strangers? Were they particularly solicitous of you? Then recall your role in the meeting–how did you behave, what did you say, how did the person make you feel? Include those on your list. Finally, draw from the two lists to create a third list noting how the elements of success could be recreated when meeting a new man on a first date.
Don’t Forget
You can’t hide what you’re thinking—whatever is on your mind will come out one way or another. If you’re keen to find out what he earns, he’ll pick up on your mercenary attitude.
Guys don’t want to feel like suspects– don’t interrogate your date!
Don’t set minimum requirements—scrutinizing your dates for their credentials, status symbols or earning power is a sure way to send the guy running for the hills. And to make yourself look terribly superficial.
Take Home Message
Your subliminal signals are like a buzzing bee. You may think you’re covering, but the menacing buzz will still scare a guy away. Squash them before they sting you!
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