No one wants to date someone who is overly controlling, or too passive. Often we find that women do either of two extremes on dates. Either they take complete control thus intimidating and overwhelming the guy, or is simply totally passive and gives her power away to the man and waits for him to entertain and woo her. You are responsible for your own happiness, it's not anyone else's job.
For a first date in particular, most men just want to enjoy a woman’s company, test the waters for chemistry, and see what happens. For women, that means asserting control in ways that differ from the skills they’ve learned as mothers, volunteers, or working women in offices, schools, stores, factories and their own businesses. The key lies in leading a guy, but not forcefully.
Don’t dominate on a date with an agenda as if you were presiding over a board meeting. Instead, let the conversation flow easily. Avoid the stale first date “What do you do for a living?” or “What was your longest relationship?” These are questions men have not only heard before but find off-putting. Be patient, all of this information will eventually come out. Open-ended questions and active listening lead to more interesting conversation in any setting, and that helps women stay present for the date.
At the same time, a woman is not a passive participant. She owes the date her best, and so must make a significant and interesting contribution. She's should be able questions in comfort and with honesty, and devoid of manipulations or an agenda.
Often, women who are in control at work and other aspects of their lives suddenly become helpless when dating. They give all the power and responsibility over to the man to make the date successful and pleasant. They wait for the man to woo them, entertain them, even judge them. This makes men very uncomfortable and insecure—even the successful ones who are very confident. More importantly, it’s simply not their job! We tell women, if this is anyone’s task on a date, it’s yours. You’re not going out with a man to be impressed and wooed. You’re going out to accomplish a mutual goal–to feel comfortable with each other, have a pleasant evening, pay compliments, and make the guy want to go out with you again. You cannot abdicate responsibility and throw up your hands in frustration when he doesn’t pursue you.
Getting Started
Contribute at least 50 percent of the energy. You’re not a passive participant. You owe the date your best, so make a significant and interesting contribution.
Make him want to see you again by making him feel relaxed in your company. Make it a positive experience and put energy into it. You can engage in the process, without giving the power away. Often times, that is the deftest use of power to make dating work.
Focus on something the man might not expect—but will also lead to sharing an answer, such as, “What was the last really fun thing you did?” or “If you could pick anyplace in the world to visit, where would it be?”
Don’t Forget
You create goodness—and you can transfer the confidence and sense of responsibility for your own happiness to finding a mate.
The energy you put into a date is reflected back to you—you can set the tone for the entire evening.
Commitment #7 Exercise
Make a list with three columns. In the first, name all the dates that have ended with you saying to yourself: “It’s just not happening for me.” In the second, record your role in the date. Was it passive or active, for example? In the third, mark down what you could have done differently (if anything). Does this demonstrate that you should take a more active role–not only wanting a successful date, but actually facilitating one?
Next, make a list for yourself of ways you can hold up your half of a date: how can you make a man comfortable? How can you compliment him? How can you find interesting topics to talk about, and so forth.
Take Home Message
A date is not a board meeting, and it's not a Cinderella ball either. Only you can strike the right balance, and only you are responsible for your own happiness on a date. Take control of making it happen for yourself!
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