Commitment Number 6

Flirt (or examine your dating fun quotient)

Just because you’re older than 30 doesn’t mean your flirting days are over.

Don’t let life’s stresses stifle the sexy goddess inside. When you bring the weight of the world to the dinner table, it translates and creates a major wall between you and the guy. It locks up that inner girl. It prevents her graceful appearance on the date. And the inner girl is the foundation of your ability to flirt.

She’s in there! She’s sweet, spontaneous, fresh and happy. She pays compliments and is a sheer pleasure to be around. This Commitment helps remind you to redefine flirting from the days when your mother was a girl.

Flirting is not Scarlett O’Hara sitting under a big oak tree at Tara batting her eyelashes and cooing “Fiddle de dee, boys!”

Modern flirting is conveyed in confident, relaxed, body language, in natural banter, eye contact, a gentle touch and a genuine, warm smile. Everyone knows there’s nothing better than a date where two people make each other laugh.

Getting Started

Step One—Recall examples of successful connections with people at work, at your child’s school, or in social situations. What about your manner made these encounters successful? How could those behaviors be translated to dating?

Step Two—Think about what flirting means to you. It's not an acting stupid and hair flipping. It's about a chemistry, about connecting through interesting and lighthearted banter, eye contact, or body language.

Commitment 6 Exercise

Put some distance between work and the date. Try to go home first and take a relaxing, luxurious bath. If there's not enough time, take a brief, brisk walk to zap away the day's pressures. Change clothes so you’re in date mode—wear something fresh, and that signals you're shifting to a different part of your day.

Of course it should be flattering, as well as make you feel beautiful, feminine and confident. These steps can make a huge difference on a date because you’re able to put literal distance between the career woman and the after-hours woman.

Live in the moment and enjoy yourself. Appreciate the weather, the food, the setting, the conversation (remember Commitment #2: Embrace the Paradox. Don't spend your date envisioning what your children with this man might look like. Give up speculating on the future to get the most out of the present!)

Don’t leap ahead, anticipating what will happen during the next hour, at the end of the date, or the next day. Focus on the person in front of you. Listen to what he’s telling you about himself–both spoken and unspoken–and hear what he’s asking of you. You might be surprised at the impressions you form when your mind isn’t cluttered with other thoughts.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Many daters over 35 are scared of yet another disappointment. They hold back, afraid to like someone because the odds of disappointment seem too great. That's dating under the spell of a previous failed relationship, vowing not to let anyone hurt you again.

This kind of protectionist dating shields your ability to fall in love again. Remember, everyone is vulnerable, and at some point in the relationship you’ll have to show it. If you signal that you are attracted to him and he doesn’t return the feeling, you can easily move on because your emotional investment has been minimal.

Try not to let the potential of being rejected by a man you like prevent you from opening up to him and the possibility of fun. Fear of rejection can prevent a display of affection and may also stop one date from turning into another.

View the date as a fresh start. Forget about the things that dampen your spirits. Don’t think about grocery lists, demands at work, past relationships. Those are not inspirations for flirting!

Instead, decide that you’re going to dazzle him. This is a new guy, and you can be anything you want with him. Think about a time when you were the life of a party, and choose to be that person again. By creating a fun persona for him, you’ll end up having a blast yourself.

Don't Forget

Find your inner flirt—our common theme, with our clients and in this book, is about finding balance in dating, and using common sense with new relationships. We want women to find their “inner girl,” the one who is always there, and to let her out in a playful, fun way. This applies to flirting, as well.

Relax first—Take the time to feel comfortable, relaxed and confident on a date–that’s when your inner flirt will emerge.

There are some no-nos—It's obvious when a woman is trying too hard to be sexy and provocative—and that is counter-productive. You'll both end up feeling awkward.

Subtle flirting makes men more comfortable– Guys enjoy interesting and playful repartee, light-heartedness, smiling and eye-contact, genuine interest in them and not just in their resume, and vulnerability (it gives them room to feel needed).