Your grandmother might tell you that playing hard to get will only make him want you more. Don’t listen to her. Unless you’re thinking about a sexy night of strip poker, don’t even think about playing games with a guy. They don’t appreciate it, and they don’t understand that it comes from a mistaken, time-worn tradition. Yet it happens so frequently that we’ve had to make it our fifth dating Commitment.
We’ve had to disabuse women of the idea that men will find them more interesting if they make it known they’re busy with dynamic careers and social lives that they barely have time for dating. We’ve had to order our clients to stop playing deliberate telephone-tag and let-me-check-my-calendar with men. Everyone is busy nowadays and men need to know you have room for them in your life.
All hail the women who have built satisfying, interesting lives! Don’t get us wrong. But it’s now time to make dating a priority. You always make time for what’s important to you. Why is it that you suddenly can’t find an hour to meet a man for a drink? How does it serve you to be unavailable?
Try to view it like a game of tennis, how much fun is it if no one hits the ball back? “Otherwise, whatever lilt in your step from meeting someone you like has now turned into a thud,” says Jeffrey, 46. “Time goes by and she’s turned into a stranger again. Every date is like pressing the reset button; it’s like a first date all over again.” Danny, 39, agrees. “Having too much time between dates feels like going to the movies and watching a trailer that’s too long. You forgot what movie you came to see. Maybe you’re scared. It's even understandable if you think being unavailable protects you from hurt. It may seem safer to remain in a cocoon. But ask yourself, “Am I in control or is my fear controlling me?”
Men tell us that when a woman actively makes time in her busy schedule, it’s an important signal that she's interested. Many women don’t realize guys have fragile egos, too, even if they do everything in their power to disguise them. Men crave positive reinforcement. A woman who doesn’t return phone calls or emails promptly, or acts as if her schedule is tighter than the Queen’s might as write him off, because that’s most likely what he’ll do to her.
Getting Started
Step One—Realize that this is an art, not a science. It’s often very hard to find just the right sweet spot between being too busy and too available.
Step Two
—Picture a pendulum swinging: Too Busy on one side, At His Beck and Call on the other. Could you watch the pendulum narrow it's scope of movement to a few inches instead of a few feet? Thus you can maintain both options, without choosing one over the other.
Step Three—Ask yourself: Are you really booked solid for the next three weeks or are you trying to protect yourself from disappointment again...or trying to appear not needy?
Don't Forget
Too busy is a big problem—for the men we have interviewed, this is the biggest hurdle to dating. Too often women fall back on the real or invented excuse that they’re too busy to easily make plans.
Don’t share the minutia of your life—don’t answer a dinner invitation with a recitation of how busy you are and all the times you’re not available.
Men are insecure, too—and they want to feel welcome when they call, so don’t tell them otherwise by making a date for weeks away.
Commitment #5 Exercise
Get out your calendar for the next month, and treat your dating life the same way you do your doctor, dentist or accountant appointments. Look over the calendar carefully, and be aware of your previous commitments. If you see that you’ve booked up every Friday with housekeeping tasks, move some of them. Clear your decks. Make a point of remembering that you are free on Fridays. Practice saying so if necessary. Be prepared to jettison some previous commitments if the right guy asks you out. Especially, be ready to answer a date invitation without muddying the waters with talk of checking your date book or needing to confirm later. When a man asks you out, have your calendar in your mind just as you would for your work schedule, and be able to answer him promptly.
Take Home Message
It’s a tough truth buried amidst the uncertainties of dating: acting as if you’re inaccessible doesn’t make you seem elusive and intriguing, just unattainable.
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