Is he going to call me again? Does he like me? Why did he wait until Thursday to email me? He can't see me for 2 weeks? Why did he drink two cocktails? What does all this mean?
We never really know what is going on in someone else's head or in their life...it's completely out of our control. And being out of control is scary!!
We are always going to have so many unanswered questions, and this Commitment will remind you to simply accept that, and let it go instead of ruminating and making yourself crazy trying to read someone's mind.
But in the end, dating remains a form of gambling. This Commitment will show you that the gamble of dating can be thrilling and lead to a terrific payoff, if you accept that you have to take risks.
This is tricky for many women because they are wagering their feelings, their hopes, their hearts. That’s why this critical Commitment will help you accept the asymmetry of information that comes with dating.
We get it, and understand how vulnerable it can make you feel. You will have a certain amount of insecurity while dating. Try to become more philosophical about the process, and learn to live with the uncertainty.
This is crucial to your overall dating pleasure, as well as your success. We’ve learned that when women wonder or worry constantly about how ‘it’s all going to turn out,’ those concerns prevent them from at least appearing to enjoy a date and get to know the fellow at hand in that moment.
Women cogitate over these problems before, during and after a date. You crave answers but need to accept you won't always get them, and be ok with that.
Getting started
Step One—After you've made your Picky List, think of other variables that are within your control. Take a look at the second-guesses you usually make, and pinpoint the ones you have power over: how much you talk, how much you eat, what you wear, and so forth.
Step Two—Once you identify the aspects you can control, then think of ways to do them better. Were you too obviously nervous on the last date, for example, and talked too much (or not enough?), and were therefore less than encouraging? That may be something you can change on the next get-together.
Step Three—Jettison worry over the aspects you cannot control—like what he thought, whether he likes you, when he's going to call. Ask yourself whether there is anything to be gained by endlessly mulling over these questions. You can't answer them, so what's the point?
Don't Forget
It's downright maddening to not have all the answers right now—and that’s not going to change.
Many questions have no answers— at least not early in a relationship. Obsessing over them will just sap your energy and drive you crazy.
There are too many variables you can’t control – many of which have everything to do with him and his circumstances, and nothing to do with you.
Commitment No. 4 Exercise:
Do you really need to know that? Make a list of the questions that you too often find yourself helplessly wishing you could answer. Then ask yourself: do I really need to know all of these things? Which ones are deal-breakers? Which are just a reflection of my impatience or insecurity? They should include at least some of the following:
- What is he thinking?
- Does he like me? How much?
- Is he dating other women? How many? Who? How often?
- When/if is he going to call, and why hasn't he yet?
- If he doesn't call, what went wrong on the date, and why isn't he interested in me?
- What did I do wrong?
- Why does he disappear and then come around again?
- Why does he pull back when I become more open and then chase me a bit when I seem less interested?
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Take Home Message
- Worrying over what you don't know is distracting. A certain amount of uncertainty is actually ‘freeing:’ it means women can stop worrying about things they’re powerless to change.
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