In order to get what you want from dating, you may have to stop focusing on your goal so intently. Easier said than done!
That’s why we call it a paradox–if a woman really wants something, then she has to actually back off in order to get it. Know that excessive focus can lead to an intensity of action and emotion that actually can thwart your efforts. This is a very difficult balance, but we encourage you to not only accept it, but to embrace it, owning it and turning it into your very own challenge.
Practice it, make it a game in your head to not always focus on the outcome, but try to enjoy the moment, the guy will pick up on your ease and you will make him become more comfortable. This will give you both the opportunity to get to know one another without focusing too much on the outcome of the relationship. As one guy succinctly put it " Can I get through my scotch before she wants to plan for marriage and children?" Instead of obsessing about the future, live in the moment, and you will reap the rewards in your future. Traverse the unknown to get to know him and see how the relationship unfolds.
Getting Started
Step One—As your next date approaches, prepare to do the opposite of your inclinations. Don’t think ahead, don’t let yourself imagine the man or your life with him beyond the hours of the date.
Step Two—Practice deep breathing or meditation, or whatever relaxation techniques it takes to keep your mind on the moment during the date.
Step Three—Be conscious of your expressions, tones and mannerisms. Be ready to look and sound open to anything on your next date.
Don't Forget
Live in the Moment—Don’t get so caught up in fantasies of a ‘happily ever after,’ that you squander the present date.
Watch for self-defeating patterns – you cannot break the bad habit of unhealthy focus on ‘finding a husband,’ unless you know it’s there. Remember that you’re trying to shine a light on the issues that turn into dating roadblocks for you.
Be brutally honest —catalogue your behavior patterns as if no one but you will ever see the list. Be blunt and unsparing in your assessment.
Commitment #3 Exercise
Think of a recent relationship, however short or long-lived, and answer these targeted questions about it, the man involved, and your own behavior.
What attracted you to this person?
What words would you use to describe the characteristics of this person?
What worked about the relationship? What didn't?
What ended it?
Answer these questions for as many relationships as you can. What themes come up? Are there similar qualities that attract you to someone, but in the end don't work for you? Then ask yourself:
What role do you usually play in your relationships? (Submissive? Dominant? Pleaser? Demander?)
Describe your personality traits when you were growing up.
What were your parents like?
How would you describe your father?
Are there similarities or differences between him and the men you have chosen.
Take Home Message
Lighten up! Dating shouldn’t be anything but a fun, exciting challenge.
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